Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Don’t trust blokes with new sex jab

NO doubt women across the world will be doing jigs in the street at the news that us blokes can finally be injected with hormones to stop us producing sperm.

“No more worries about piling on the pounds on the Pill or forgetting to take it,” you might think. “He can go through the aggro at last. Pass me the chardonnay!”

But before you get too excited, take it from a bloke who knows how the average young male mind functions: It will never work.

Why not? Because most men are unreliable, forgetful, lazy, conniving liars who will stop at nothing to get full sex.

If you think it’s a Herculean task to get us to wear condoms, it will take a full-blown Biblical miracle to switch us on to the joys of injecting ourselves so we go infertile.

For starters, any woman who trusts the old “honest, love, we’ll be safe – I had the injection last week” needs her head testing.

Believe me when I say that, faced with the alternative of not getting a jump, men will lie about it. And guess who’ll be left holding the can? Not us.

Will women demand we carry certificates? Will Britain’s females be checking paperwork across the land before allowing men access to their inner sanctums? Would that be the ultimate turn-off, or what?

Second – and in my opinion, the real reason only a third of men actually completed tests of the jab – there’s the insurmountable problem of male vanity.

The male ego is a fragile thing and few of us will willingly “turn into a Jaffa” – i.e. go seedless. Firing blanks might be cool in cop shows but in real life it would just make us feel like we’re not proper men.

To women practically weaned on taking body-altering contraceptive pills, this might come as a shock, but that’s sadly just the way it is.

The biggest problem, though, is the old “meddling with nature” thing. There are two methods on test and both involve injecting men with hormones.

The first is testosterone, which I’ve heard makes you grow back hair like a Greek waiter, go bald or attack strangers.

The second is progestogen. To most men, this sounds like the female hormone, progesterone, which, scientifically speaking, is “summat to do with pregnancy, innit?”

Will it make us grow breasts? Having man boobs might be great for a day. But for life? No thanks.

Will we stop growing facial hair, becoming pre-teens with peach fuzz on our top lips?

Will we start sounding like Susan Boyle? Or worse, looking like her? In short, will we end up like ladyboys?

It’s meddling with nature, and is a whole can of worms guaranteed to send condom sales soaring.

Finally, unless your name rhymes with Feet Cocherty, what man would enjoy injecting? For all our posturing, we don’t like pain.

And anyway, is the pleasure of going bareback worth the discomfort of turning your body into a pin cushion with endless injections?

For that matter, would women take contraception if you had to inject it?

As a doctor might say: “You’ll only feel a little prick”.

And there you have it – it’s every man’s worst nightmare.

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